


find me in the dark | ballum

by lockedinmybody



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Crying, Daddy Issues, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2020-07-11 14:35:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19929670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lockedinmybody/pseuds/lockedinmybody
Summary: set after today's episode of july 22nd 2019.a devastated ben isolates himself from everyone by running to the car lot. he then realises he needs someone to get through this, and he doesn't want to exhibit the same behavior he's hated from his dad, and thus he reaches out to the only person he wants.





	find me in the dark | ballum

_Can you come over to the car lot?_

Ben sends it after stewing for a couple of hours.  
He skipped dinner, stomach filled with enough anger to last him for days. The award - what was left of it - had ended up in the trash.  
His chest was heaving when he immediately fled to the car lot, and it took a good couple of minutes to even slightly calm down.  
The gasps of strained breathing died down and the tears started falling.

Slowly but steadily. No sobbing, shaking shoulders and taut stomach.  
Just silently staring straight ahead as they fell, Ben's jaw hardened as he thought back to that moment in the pub.  
The echo of his own voice taunts him. His own father telling him he's proud of him, and it's been so long - has it ever happened before? - that he needs to ask for reassurance.  
_"Yeah?"_  
It sounded weak, still does now as it reverberates.  
Ben had sworn a long time ago to not seek his dad's approval. It wasn't worth anything and Ben would never get it.

And then he gets it, but it's empty. Hollow. Falls flat.  
His dad tries to pretend like he understands him, understands what kind of person he is but he doesn't. He's never bothered to find out. 

Because that's what usually hurts the most.  
Ben won't admit it, not unless he's at least half a vodka bottle deep sobbing into the lonely darkness of his own bedroom, but what stings is that Phil _doesn't care_.  
He never reached out, never tried. Ben's often wondered, even if he did, if they would have been close enough to begin with to ever find each other somewhere in the middle.  
His father never truly let him in, and Ben's more than aware that he's his dad's flesh and blood.  
He _cannot_ make the same mistakes. 

He's fucking terrified though.

Because Callum comes through the door quietly, takes one quick glance at Ben when he hovers near the door like he's reading the situation and then steps inside, closing the door with a soft click.  
"You came," Ben says, timidly pushing through a scratchy voice as they quietly sit together, next to one another.  
"I did," Callum nods, and Ben hates how calm he looks when he takes a quick look to his side.  
The Callum that fumbles with the buttons on Ben's shirt and sometimes can't get his own belt off is one that feels more familiar to Ben.  
But Callum seems perfectly content to sit with him in silence. Like he's confident he'll be able to catch Ben if he falls, and that power shift makes Ben feel smaller than he has all day. Though he isn't sure he ever had any power to begin with when it comes to Callum.

"You not gonna ask what's going on?" Ben asks after a few moments.  
"Well, you more or less told me before," Callum says, voice light, "and I know you'll say what you wanna say."  
Ben looks at him now, not fleeting or quickly but completely and unashamed, any thought about how embarassing it is for his secret lover to see him like this going out of the window.  
Callum shrugs with a slight smile and looks back at him. It's stupidly simple but it's _right_ , and Ben can feel tears welling up in his eyes so he blinks rapidly. 

"Yeah well," He trails off, looking past Callum's shoulder, "dads 'n all that."  
He forces a grin on his face but it's not convincing, and it quickly falls when he instead feel wetness hit his cheeks, and then he's crying again.  
"Come 'ere," Callum murmurs and he pulls Ben close, his hand on Ben's back as Ben presses his face into Callum's shoulder.  
All he can hear is his own sniffling and Callum's breathing, and it keeps him afloat as the seconds, minutes tick by. 

Ben pulls back a little, Callum's hand on his own.  
"I don't wanna be like him," Ben croaks, sounding broken even to his own ears, and Callum tilts his head forwards, brushing a light kiss against Ben's mouth.  
"You're not," Callum says, framing Ben's face with his hands and making sure Ben looks at him as he says it, "I promise. You could never be like him."  
Ben frowns as millions of suggestions to prove otherwise pop up but Callum just kisses the deep lines in his forehead and brushes his thumbs over Ben's cheekbones.

"Can we stay here for a bit?" Ben asks, feeling heat creep into his face because _God_ he hates sounding so whiney and needy and he doesn't ever give anyone a chance to make him act this way.  
Callum nods at him. "We can, come on."  
He stands up with Ben's hands in his own and sinks to the floor, tugging Ben with him as he goes.  
He's not completely sure what's happening but before he can ask, Callum is sitting on the floor with his back against the wall of the cabin, and Ben is sitting in between his legs, back pressed to Callum's chest.  
The shine of Callum's dress shoes moves as Callum shifts his foot every now and then and Ben is close enough to smell his cologne and _it's been too long_.

"So, what d'you wanna do?" Ben asks after a few moments.  
Callum presses a kiss against his shoulder. "We can sit just like this, or talk, or play a game."  
He runs a light hand through Ben's hair. "You could sleep for a bit."  
Ben huffs a small laugh. "Look like I need it, do I?"  
Callum doesn't laugh but instead covers Ben's hand with one of his own. "I worry about you sometimes." It's a quiet admission.

Ben feels his chest fill with warmth at the sincerity in those words, and he wiggles around as he settles, leaning his head back against Callum's clavicle, closing his eyes.  
Callum's arms come around his stomach, folding around him, and it's been a long time since Ben has felt this safe.  
He doesn't know how long it takes him to drift off, but the last thing he remembers is the feeling of Callum's chest steadily rising and falling as he held him.

**Author's Note:**

> i know we said we love a slowburn but this is a slow slow slow burn. idk who's more frustrated me or ben and callum. anyway, hope you enjoyed it! thanks for reading pals, means a lot <3
> 
> [tumblr](https://softlofty.tumblr.com/)


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